New Rules – 10.03.06

Now, New Rule: Until one of the winners of „America’s Next Top Model“ gets an actual modeling job, they can’t use the name, „Top Model.“ These women seem nice, but they’re not „top models,“ because they aren’t breathtaking beauties, Eastern European or 12. So let’s call the show what it actually is: „A Bunch of 9’s Taking Sh** From Tyra Banks.“ What’s the hissing?

New Rule: If Tom Delay gets to smile in his mug shot, because crimes are cute, he has to run for re-election dressed as the Hamburglar. „Hey, Texas, I’m a happy criminal! Vote for me!“ Also, Dennis Hastert has to run as Grimace. No reason. He just kind of looks like Grimace.


New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the „morning-after“ contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, „I really care,“ like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.

New Rule: Stop saying „Brokeback Mountain“ lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if „Brokeback Mountain“ taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with coming in number-two.

Oh, are we still on? And finally, New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from „poly“ meaning „many“ and „gamy“ meaning a musky odor in the bedroom. Now, by now, I’m sure you’ve heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called „Sex With the Entire City.“ But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.

But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don’t have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot! And if you take the husband out, it’s even hotter! That’s right. I’m not only for polygamy, I’m for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I’m for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.

So – so when the conservatives say gay marriage could lead to polygamous marriage, I say, „Quit selling, Jesus-freak. You had me at ‚hello.'“

Now, it comes down to who decides what love is, and what commitment means. The government? A church? No, sadly, it’s Dr. Phil. Who, it was in the news last week, is selling his Ferrari. That’s right. It turns out we’ve all been taking relationship advice from the „fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!“

Which, of course, is Italian for „I’m not banging my wife.“ It’s also all the evidence you need that the dirty little secret about polygamy is that it really does suit human nature. Because middle-aged women, they don’t want that fat, beer-breathed old coot climbing on them anyway! So, ladies, why not let the latest-to-be-hired do the crummiest job. Just like at the office.

Maybe it’s monogamy that just isn’t natural. And don’t tell me about the prairie vole. Yes, the prairie vole is monogamous. That’s because it has no cash. Also, all voles look alike. They have no idea if they’re screwing or masturbating.

But the question all women have to look in the mirror and ask themselves is, „Would you rather be the second wife of George Clooney or the only wife of Willard Scott?“

Real Time with Bill Maher, 10.03.06

Dienstag, 14 März 2006

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