Ich schaue ja „Real Time with Bill Maher“ ziemlich gerne. Deshalb (und weil mir gerade extrem langweilig ist) hier die New Rules der Sendung vom 1. April…

Time for New Rules, everybody.

All right, New Rule: I’m not an expert on child psychology, but I’m willing to go out on a limb and say any student who makes his hair into horns deserves a little extra watching.

New Rule: You don’t get a million dollars just for being gay. Remember Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary, the one John Kerry mentioned was a lesbian, and the Republicans pretended to get all irate about it? Well, she just got a million-dollar advance to write her memoirs. Memoirs? „Chapter One: my dad’s vice president. Chapter Two: I like pussy.“ The End.

BALDWIN: Oh, my God.

WEST: Bill.

MAHER: What? Sometimes I have politicians here and I can’t do these jokes. It’s nice when I have three godless liberals. Once again, just a joke.

New Rule: Stop bringing out DVD’s so soon! I’m still ignoring you in the theater!

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

WEST: That’s a serious joke right there.

MAHER: And finally, New Rule: Abstinence pledges make you horny. In a setback for the morals/values crowd, a new eight-year study just released reveals that American teenagers who take virginity pledges wind up with just as many STD’s as the other kids. But that’s not all. „Taking the pledge“ also makes a teenage girl six times more likely to perform oral sex, and four times more likely to allow anal. Which leads me to an important question: where were these pledges when I was in high school?

So, seriously, when I was a teenager, the only kids having anal intercourse, were the ones who missed. My idea of lubrication was oiling my bike chain. If I had known I could have been getting porn-star sex the same year I took Algebra 2 – simply by joining up with the Christian right – I’d have been so down with Jesus, they would have had to pry me out of the pew.

And, let me tell you, there is a lot worse things than teenagers having sex. Namely, teenagers not having sex. Here is something you’ll never hear: „That suicide bomber blew himself up because he was having too much sex. Sex, sex, sex, nonstop, all that crazy Arab ever had was sex, and look what happened.“ But among the puritans here of the 21st century, the less said to kids about sex, the better. Because people who talk about peepees are „potty-mouths.“

And so, armed with limited knowledge and believing that regular, vaginal intercourse to be either immaculate or filthy dirty – these kids did with their pledge what everybody does with contracts. They found loopholes. Two of them, to be exact.

Is there any greater irony than the fact that the Christian right actually got their precious little adolescent daughters to say to their freshly-scrubbed boyfriends, „Please, I want to remain pure for my wedding night, so only in the ass… And then I’ll blow you, I promise.“ Well, at least these kids are really thinking outside the box.

Okay, that’s our show. I want to thank my guests, Bill O’Reilly, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Dr. Cornel West, Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg. Thank you everybody.